“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.