Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone