i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?