cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’m too immature for adultery.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Xylophonist Shredding It
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident