I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
welcome back
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
tinder is all about the long game
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?