Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Um … Hot Wings please
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?