[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Cool shirt 🙂