[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Good point.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead