“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show