*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You Might Also Like
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…