“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Single and childfree like Jesus
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.