Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?