Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The dark side of Canada
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I need to update my racial profile.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*jazz hands*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces