Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
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if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
How it started How it’s going
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
We need more people like this.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake