Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do