Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu