[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
me after drinking all the wine:
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?