“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so