I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had