Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
You Might Also Like
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Your honor these allegations are
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.