For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.