We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..