Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
You Might Also Like
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Cats (2019)
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*orders delivery*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
i made a craigslist ad !
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.