Check your privilege
You Might Also Like
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Don’t touch that.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
¯_(ツ)_/¯
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me