People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
This is so me 😂😂
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.