I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
why am I working on Labor Day
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.