if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’