Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.