It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You Might Also Like
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama