My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.