i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*