Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday