Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
This could’ve been an email.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.