My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome