Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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I鈥檝e had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma鈥檃m this is a McDonald鈥檚
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don鈥檛 know. (Covers dog鈥檚 ears) She鈥檚 adopted.
When you鈥檝e already coughed 3 times in class and you鈥檙e trying not to cough again
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 馃槧.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes