[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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omg leave her alone
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
i actually laughed 😩
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie