You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.