(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.