[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine