No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.