(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
the short answer to this question
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”