DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*