Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Basketball
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.