When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
…u ok Nintendo?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better