friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.