I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
This took me a second..
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!