My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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getting corrected
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda