Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.