I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Lol.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.