Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.